"Food in my belly and a license for my telly,
and nothing's going to bring me down."
It's become clear that I often turn to this blog in times of change and transition in my life. First GCSEs, then A Levels, the start of University and now the end. I'm awaiting a start date for a new job and eagerly awaiting to hear whether or not I'll be donning a cap and gown this summer. I've (hopefully) completed my degree and am taking my first step towards achieving my career which is both exciting and terrifying. I'm now one whole year into a relationship with an absolute wally whose eyelashes go on for days and whose laugh I can't help but smile at. He yawns like how I imagine a brown bear would and has the sexiest jawline I've ever seen. This is also terrifying. It's scary how well we get on, how in-sync we've become and how furious he can make me at times and just how much I love him. And although things are going well I can't help but think, "woah, this one could really crush me." Right now, I'd be heartbroken if things were to end, and that feeling of vulnerability isn't pleasant.
I feel like things are a bit up in the air at the minute. I don't know if I'll graduate, I'm not sure when I'll be starting my job, I'm stressed out about both and I'm just not entirely sure where I am right now. I'm confident that things will work out in the long run, it's just right now that I'm struggling to accept that for now, things are out of my control. When HR complete their processes- I'll know about the job. When the examination board sits- I'll know whether a summer graduation is to be or not to be. So yeah... I should relax, right? Easier said than done unfortunately, and I often find myself worrying and over-thinking and I'm a bit fed up with it all at the moment.
Looking back over blog posts from a 16-year-old me has spurred a lot of reflection and has raised mixed feelings. In ways, I am proud of things I have achieved since this time- despite the stress I described feeling as I approached certain hurdles, I overcame them and I know I couldn't have done this without the people who have caught me when I felt like I was falling. I read of friendships and recalled them fondly, and am glad that many of them continue to flourish today. I am saddened by the frustration I felt with the world around me and a sense of powerlessness within the wider system of which I am a part. This frustration remains, and has driven me towards my career path as I seek justice for those who are deemed vulnerable within society, and has instilled a passion for social change. As I have grown older and navigated through my education I have developed a deeper understanding of the world around me, the various systems we are a part of and how they interact with each other. I have also become aware of the oppression which permeates these and my own role in contributing to these, even if on a subconscious level. And still, despite this passion and equipped with this knowledge, there are moments when I feel the powerlessness I experienced at 16 as I work alongside people who are refused access to much needed support services in times of need, and looked down upon by the communities they strive to be a part of.
I can also identify the same feelings of frustration with myself not following my dreams as I described in my earlier posts. I dreamt of travelling and doing the unexpected, and feared that I would get sucked into society's expectations of following the natural order of education straight into a career without much window for what I want to do. And yet I find myself doing exactly that despite my continuing frustration with myself. I feel safe where I am. I've gone to university, I've applied for jobs and have accepted an offer, I'm in a year long relationship and I live in an area I know well. And while I am fortunate and grateful to have all of these things and fantastic people in my life, there is often a part of me which wishes I was brave enough to realise that I can keep the amazing people while maybe putting my career on hold for just a little while to have fun and travel and do the things I so often find myself yearning for. But I'm not. Brave enough, I mean. Worries about practicalities such as finances, possible homesickness and impact upon my relationship, as well as fear of the unknown have prevented me from stepping out of my comfort zone.
Despite the negativity I feel in reading over these glimpses of my younger self, I also draw great inspiration from the determination I exuded, from those who were there to support me and continue to do so, and from the passion for change continues to drive me. It served as a reminder of why I am where I am now- why the feelings of being out of control of my future for now are worth it- to achieve one of the goals I sought to in calling for change. Sure, I haven't travelled as much as I'd like, but I'm getting ever-closer to a career that supports me in working alongside people for change. Anddddd I have travelled- I drove to Portrush for the first time ever, and I've been to Amsterdam-twice!! I had an absolute ball- it is such a beautiful, beautiful city. If I could, I would move there in a heartbeat.
I haven't travelled the world but I've seen snapshots of it, and while I'm not exactly sure where my career is going right now- I'm making baby steps towards it, and I just have to wait it out. I'm not in control of everything right now and that's okay. I don't know what will happen with my relationship but for now things are good. Really good. I should focus on that and enjoy every moment of the good and just have faith that it will continue. There is still time for travelling, as there is also time for my career- this is the beginning of something new and time for discovery and expansion of knowledge of the world around me. It is about balance, and in recognising that both my career and my desire to see the world both contribute to an expansion of my knowledge of people, cultures and societies, I can see that I can compromise and although my realising my dreams isn't exactly looking how I expected it to, it's happening in the midst of my worries and doubts and if I could just focus on the good bits, maybe I'd have a better time.
So I might try? Maybe? No promises... I get pumped reading over older blog posts and I guess the determination is rubbing off a little teeny bit, so here goes... to not missing the good bits.
Monday 6 June 2016
Sunday 21 October 2012
Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try
Ever wanted something so bad that you'd do anything to get it? Good. Be determined, be ruthless and don't be afraid of failing. Sure you might risk losing people along the way, things may go wrong & you might have to go back to the drawing board time and time and time again, but isn't it worth it? Just because it hurts doesn't mean you should give up. One failure isn't the end of the world.
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try
Ever wanted something so bad that you'd do anything to get it? Good. Be determined, be ruthless and don't be afraid of failing. Sure you might risk losing people along the way, things may go wrong & you might have to go back to the drawing board time and time and time again, but isn't it worth it? Just because it hurts doesn't mean you should give up. One failure isn't the end of the world.
Sunday 22 July 2012
Purity
1) Freedom from adulteration or contamination
2) Freedom from immorality, esp. of a sexual nature
When I think of purity I see white. Roses, dresses, sheets, curtains... white. White everything. Children, little girls, laughs, smiles. Pure. Purity, of course, is usually thought of in relation to sexual activity... whether or not you maintain a state of sexual abstinance; do you still have your virginity? So once this is tarnished I guess you're not pure any more. So what are you? Dirty?
I don't like to think so. I think it is something that has happened, and while you can't regain it, it isn't something that should act as a hindrance upon your life. Presuming that you are not within a marriage scenario & therefore a "bad" person, you have lost your virginity to a boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend or a guy you just met; maybe a guy friend, only you know. That is what you wanted at the time, and sure, maybe it was a mistake, but does it make you a bad/dirty person for life? No.
Beyond physical purity is mental purity. For me this is more difficult to maintain, what with so much crap in the world these days & a heck of a lot of mental illness. I think purity is a state of mind as well as a physical thing and that this should be acknowledged. I'm not encouraging losing virginity and saying that it's okay as long as you justify it in your mind... I believe that it should be held onto for as long as possible. However, if it is lost "prematurely" then I think people should stop targetting and highlighting it as the end of the world. It's gone, it's not coming back, get over it.
Purity and innocence are tightly linked. When I think of innocence I think back to my childhood. There were no dirty jokes, no friends who'd stab you in the back if you turned for a second, no arguements, no boys to impress, no universities to suck up to. The biggest lie you told was that you hadn't taken those sweets from the jar. That gets lost over time and in its way, linked to virginity, but this isn't all about sex. I think we should hold onto our innocence, try to be trusting but not naive, loving but not used, helpful but not walked over.
This has been pretty fluffy and waffly... But basically I think you should define pure for yourself & don't let people make you feel like you're not worth anything.
2) Freedom from immorality, esp. of a sexual nature
When I think of purity I see white. Roses, dresses, sheets, curtains... white. White everything. Children, little girls, laughs, smiles. Pure. Purity, of course, is usually thought of in relation to sexual activity... whether or not you maintain a state of sexual abstinance; do you still have your virginity? So once this is tarnished I guess you're not pure any more. So what are you? Dirty?
I don't like to think so. I think it is something that has happened, and while you can't regain it, it isn't something that should act as a hindrance upon your life. Presuming that you are not within a marriage scenario & therefore a "bad" person, you have lost your virginity to a boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend or a guy you just met; maybe a guy friend, only you know. That is what you wanted at the time, and sure, maybe it was a mistake, but does it make you a bad/dirty person for life? No.
Beyond physical purity is mental purity. For me this is more difficult to maintain, what with so much crap in the world these days & a heck of a lot of mental illness. I think purity is a state of mind as well as a physical thing and that this should be acknowledged. I'm not encouraging losing virginity and saying that it's okay as long as you justify it in your mind... I believe that it should be held onto for as long as possible. However, if it is lost "prematurely" then I think people should stop targetting and highlighting it as the end of the world. It's gone, it's not coming back, get over it.
Purity and innocence are tightly linked. When I think of innocence I think back to my childhood. There were no dirty jokes, no friends who'd stab you in the back if you turned for a second, no arguements, no boys to impress, no universities to suck up to. The biggest lie you told was that you hadn't taken those sweets from the jar. That gets lost over time and in its way, linked to virginity, but this isn't all about sex. I think we should hold onto our innocence, try to be trusting but not naive, loving but not used, helpful but not walked over.
This has been pretty fluffy and waffly... But basically I think you should define pure for yourself & don't let people make you feel like you're not worth anything.
Wednesday 18 July 2012
"This moment will just be another story someday."
Memories need to be created, actions need to be taken and fun has to be had. Great new things need to be tried and new places explored. Carelessness must be exercised and mistakes should be made. Worries should cease and cares abandoned. Laughter should reign and tears of happiness be the only ones permitted. Dancing should be compulsory and singing the international language. Love should be easy and not focused on sex. Judgement should be minimal and acceptance freely given.
On average we will all live until we're seventy years old. Age 0-12 we're in primary school, 13-18 we're in that weird puberty/I'm a teenager/why is my body doing this?/rebel against my parents-y stage. 19-30 is that get a good education, get a job, get married stage. From then on we're trying so support our family, keep up our job, pay the bills etc. By the time we have the time and the money to enjoy ourselves we're 65 (85 if the government keep raising the age for retirement) and not to be ageist because I do love old people, but there are things which we can no longer do. So to combat this, we need to make time for fun in between all the chaos of life. We need stories to tell our grandchildren, we need fun to keep us healthy. So get out there and smile.
On average we will all live until we're seventy years old. Age 0-12 we're in primary school, 13-18 we're in that weird puberty/I'm a teenager/why is my body doing this?/rebel against my parents-y stage. 19-30 is that get a good education, get a job, get married stage. From then on we're trying so support our family, keep up our job, pay the bills etc. By the time we have the time and the money to enjoy ourselves we're 65 (85 if the government keep raising the age for retirement) and not to be ageist because I do love old people, but there are things which we can no longer do. So to combat this, we need to make time for fun in between all the chaos of life. We need stories to tell our grandchildren, we need fun to keep us healthy. So get out there and smile.
If I go crazy then will you still call me superman?
You stumbled in and bumped your head,
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground
I've realised that people are extraordinarily ungrateful. Perhaps something I should have realised sooner, but hey, better late than never. People rely on me... a lot. They lean on me and expect me to fix all of their problems, regardless of what I may think/feel/have going on in my own life at the time.
One of my friends recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2ish years and ever since he's been totally dependent on me. I didn't even know him when he was going out with his girl, we only really became friends because of the break up because he spewed all of his problems to me one night. Please don't get me wrong, I love to help and I had no problem listening to him, offering advice and yeah, being a shoulder to lean on... but when that's all he wants to talk to me about it becomes a bit of a problem. Then, as a result of me trying to help, my now boyfriend suspects that there's something going on between us. But does the guy back off? No, of course not.
I've helped him all I can and he refuses to help himself, then when I ask him to help me by backing off he still stays close, makes my boyfriend suspect and makes me feel guilty when I get frustrated with him. I've helped the guy a lot, I've helped him get over this ex girlfriend and he's still not grateful enough to help me out this little bit.
Ranty ranty rant. Sorry.
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground
I've realised that people are extraordinarily ungrateful. Perhaps something I should have realised sooner, but hey, better late than never. People rely on me... a lot. They lean on me and expect me to fix all of their problems, regardless of what I may think/feel/have going on in my own life at the time.
One of my friends recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2ish years and ever since he's been totally dependent on me. I didn't even know him when he was going out with his girl, we only really became friends because of the break up because he spewed all of his problems to me one night. Please don't get me wrong, I love to help and I had no problem listening to him, offering advice and yeah, being a shoulder to lean on... but when that's all he wants to talk to me about it becomes a bit of a problem. Then, as a result of me trying to help, my now boyfriend suspects that there's something going on between us. But does the guy back off? No, of course not.
I've helped him all I can and he refuses to help himself, then when I ask him to help me by backing off he still stays close, makes my boyfriend suspect and makes me feel guilty when I get frustrated with him. I've helped the guy a lot, I've helped him get over this ex girlfriend and he's still not grateful enough to help me out this little bit.
Ranty ranty rant. Sorry.
Wednesday 13 June 2012
Just signed back in here for the first time in a long time and decided to read some old posts... all I can gather is that I used wayyy too many rhetorical questions. I liked to talk about change a lot though, and even though it's been six months since I last blogged, I haven't really changed an awful lot about myself. I'm studying at the minute, or at least trying to; I can't seem to find the motivation to do anything except eat all around me.
My friends have changed; some for good and some for bad. It's sad to watch, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I've also had the privilege of watching some of my friends grow in confidence and skills and they're actually going places and being happy- that's pretty great. I've also surrounded myself with a different friend group, but still seeing the ones that I care about- just less frequently which I need to change, but that's my own fault. The human mind is a ridiculous thing- that is one thing I've gathered, though I'm not sure why I didn't realise sooner. We all worry too much, and even as I'm typing this I'm worried about how I come across to my two readers or whatever unfortunate person that stumbles across this.
"Society killed the teenager." So overused, so cliché, so true. We've been screwed over, but maybe that's just my silly opinion that I will regret in another six months time... Everything's focused on the future, conformity and being "grown up." I can't be assed with it, and yet I find myself doing it anyway. I've gotta study to get good grades to waste loads of money on University to get that job that doesn't exist to get money to pay back my student loans. Then if a job actually appears in Northern Ireland, I'll be stuck in it for the next 50 years of my life. Sounds great, doesn't it? Ha, there are those rhetorical questions again...I'll stop now- bad habit enforced by GCSE English.
Passed my GCSEs, thought I was great, and have now realised how much simpler they were than AS Levels. I've two tomorrow, so sitting writing pointless crap on my laptop probably isn't my best move. Beats learning about Early Church though. Then on Friday I have another, and with the two exams tomorrow I won't have much time to revise for it...hello resits next January. I do, however, get to see my soon to be boyfriend on Friday after my exam, so that'll be fun. It's only taken us about a year and a disfunctional relationship on my part to get together, so let's hope it's all we've thought it will be. Could just be another silly teenage relationship, but we shall see.
I guess not much else has changed since I last posted; I don't have any revolutionary thoughts or plans as such, other than the overwhelming desire to get out of this pokey wee country. I love it, don't get me wrong, it's just that there is so much to see out there. I've been chatting and skyping with people all over the world recently and it makes me want to go so much more; I'm determined to see it happen. Certain universities I've been looking at offer the opportunity to go somewhere for a year- something to look into further. Up until quite recently I've been set on leaving home for University, but thinking about the logistics of it all it's looking more and more likely that I'll be staying in Northern Ireland. I shant rule anything out though.
Also, I need a part time job. So if you could find me one that'd be great.
Well, I think this shall be the end of my rambling and I'll hopefully post again before another six months is up; maybe even something which is even slightly structured. RE revision is calling me; Aimee out.
My friends have changed; some for good and some for bad. It's sad to watch, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I've also had the privilege of watching some of my friends grow in confidence and skills and they're actually going places and being happy- that's pretty great. I've also surrounded myself with a different friend group, but still seeing the ones that I care about- just less frequently which I need to change, but that's my own fault. The human mind is a ridiculous thing- that is one thing I've gathered, though I'm not sure why I didn't realise sooner. We all worry too much, and even as I'm typing this I'm worried about how I come across to my two readers or whatever unfortunate person that stumbles across this.
"Society killed the teenager." So overused, so cliché, so true. We've been screwed over, but maybe that's just my silly opinion that I will regret in another six months time... Everything's focused on the future, conformity and being "grown up." I can't be assed with it, and yet I find myself doing it anyway. I've gotta study to get good grades to waste loads of money on University to get that job that doesn't exist to get money to pay back my student loans. Then if a job actually appears in Northern Ireland, I'll be stuck in it for the next 50 years of my life. Sounds great, doesn't it? Ha, there are those rhetorical questions again...I'll stop now- bad habit enforced by GCSE English.
Passed my GCSEs, thought I was great, and have now realised how much simpler they were than AS Levels. I've two tomorrow, so sitting writing pointless crap on my laptop probably isn't my best move. Beats learning about Early Church though. Then on Friday I have another, and with the two exams tomorrow I won't have much time to revise for it...hello resits next January. I do, however, get to see my soon to be boyfriend on Friday after my exam, so that'll be fun. It's only taken us about a year and a disfunctional relationship on my part to get together, so let's hope it's all we've thought it will be. Could just be another silly teenage relationship, but we shall see.
I guess not much else has changed since I last posted; I don't have any revolutionary thoughts or plans as such, other than the overwhelming desire to get out of this pokey wee country. I love it, don't get me wrong, it's just that there is so much to see out there. I've been chatting and skyping with people all over the world recently and it makes me want to go so much more; I'm determined to see it happen. Certain universities I've been looking at offer the opportunity to go somewhere for a year- something to look into further. Up until quite recently I've been set on leaving home for University, but thinking about the logistics of it all it's looking more and more likely that I'll be staying in Northern Ireland. I shant rule anything out though.
Also, I need a part time job. So if you could find me one that'd be great.
Well, I think this shall be the end of my rambling and I'll hopefully post again before another six months is up; maybe even something which is even slightly structured. RE revision is calling me; Aimee out.
Friday 11 November 2011
Oh broken angel, were you sad when he crushed all your dreams?
Inside you're dying cause you can't believe
He would leave you alone
And leave you so cold
When you were his daughter
But the blood in your veins
As you carry his name
Turns thinner than water
What's really in a name? Does it define us? We carry it for most, if not all, of our lives, and there's not TOO much we can do about it. It tells us where we come from, but is linking ourselves to the past always a good thing?
I recently saw Boyce Avenue performing in my hometown and they came on and sang this song. Before they started, Alejandro spoke a bit about a friend who had faced a lot in the past but had gotten stronger from it and it really struck a chord with me. People will hurt you in the course of your life- fact. A lot of the time, these people will be people you're close to- fact. But sometimes, the people who hurt you will be the ones you least expect... the ones you're supposed to trust... the ones who're supposed to protect you. We can accept these as facts, but that doesn't mean we have to accept the consequences.
Your family name does not define you. The negative actions of those before you should not make any impression upon your life. If you don't like it, change it. I'm not one for rebelling against family members or anything, but if any of your family members are going to knowingly hurt you, then refuse to accept it. Stand up and say no. You may carry a name, but you don't have to carry the person. Turn a negative into a positive and go for it.
He would leave you alone
And leave you so cold
When you were his daughter
But the blood in your veins
As you carry his name
Turns thinner than water
What's really in a name? Does it define us? We carry it for most, if not all, of our lives, and there's not TOO much we can do about it. It tells us where we come from, but is linking ourselves to the past always a good thing?
I recently saw Boyce Avenue performing in my hometown and they came on and sang this song. Before they started, Alejandro spoke a bit about a friend who had faced a lot in the past but had gotten stronger from it and it really struck a chord with me. People will hurt you in the course of your life- fact. A lot of the time, these people will be people you're close to- fact. But sometimes, the people who hurt you will be the ones you least expect... the ones you're supposed to trust... the ones who're supposed to protect you. We can accept these as facts, but that doesn't mean we have to accept the consequences.
Your family name does not define you. The negative actions of those before you should not make any impression upon your life. If you don't like it, change it. I'm not one for rebelling against family members or anything, but if any of your family members are going to knowingly hurt you, then refuse to accept it. Stand up and say no. You may carry a name, but you don't have to carry the person. Turn a negative into a positive and go for it.
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