"Food in my belly and a license for my telly,
 and nothing's going to bring me down."

It's become clear that I often turn to this blog in times of change and transition in my life. First GCSEs, then A Levels, the start of University and now the end. I'm awaiting a start date for a new job and eagerly awaiting to hear whether or not I'll be donning a cap and gown this summer. I've (hopefully) completed my degree and am taking my first step towards achieving my career which is both exciting and terrifying. I'm now one whole year into a relationship with an absolute wally whose eyelashes go on for days and whose laugh I can't help but smile at. He yawns like how I imagine a brown bear would and has the sexiest jawline I've ever seen. This is also terrifying. It's scary how well we get on, how in-sync we've become and how furious he can make me at times and just how much I love him. And although things are going well I can't help but think, "woah, this one could really crush me." Right now, I'd be heartbroken if things were to end, and that feeling of vulnerability isn't pleasant.

I feel like things are a bit up in the air at the minute. I don't know if I'll graduate, I'm not sure when I'll be starting my job, I'm stressed out about both and I'm just not entirely sure where I am right now. I'm confident that things will work out in the long run, it's just right now that I'm struggling to accept that for now, things are out of my control. When HR complete their processes- I'll know about the job. When the examination board sits- I'll know whether a summer graduation is to be or not to be. So yeah... I should relax, right? Easier said than done unfortunately, and I often find myself worrying and over-thinking and I'm a bit fed up with it all at the moment.

Looking back over blog posts from a 16-year-old me has spurred a lot of reflection and has raised mixed feelings. In ways, I am proud of things I have achieved since this time- despite the stress I described feeling as I approached certain hurdles, I overcame them and I know I couldn't have done this without the people who have caught me when I felt like I was falling. I read of friendships and recalled them fondly, and am glad that many of them continue to flourish today. I am saddened by the frustration I felt with the world around me and a sense of powerlessness within the wider system of which I am a part. This frustration remains, and has driven me towards my career path as I seek justice for those who are deemed vulnerable within society, and has instilled a passion for social change. As I have grown older and navigated through my education I have developed a deeper understanding of the world around me, the various systems we are a part of and how they interact with each other. I have also become aware of the oppression which permeates these and my own role in contributing to these, even if on a subconscious level. And still, despite this passion and equipped with this knowledge, there are moments when I feel the powerlessness I experienced at 16 as I work alongside people who are refused access to much needed support services in times of need, and looked down upon by the communities they strive to be a part of.

I can also identify the same feelings of frustration with myself not following my dreams as I described in my earlier posts.  I dreamt of travelling and doing the unexpected, and feared that I would get sucked into society's expectations of following the natural order of education straight into a career without much window for what I want to do. And yet I find myself doing exactly that despite my continuing frustration with myself. I feel safe where I am. I've gone to university, I've applied for jobs and have accepted an offer, I'm in a year long relationship and I live in an area I know well. And while I am fortunate and grateful to have all of these things and fantastic people in my life, there is often a part of me which wishes I was brave enough to realise that I can keep the amazing people while maybe putting my career on hold for just a little while to have fun and travel and do the things I so often find myself yearning for. But I'm not. Brave enough, I mean. Worries about practicalities such as finances, possible homesickness and impact upon my relationship, as well as fear of the unknown have prevented me from stepping out of my comfort zone.

Despite the negativity I feel in reading over these glimpses of my younger self, I also draw great inspiration from the determination I exuded, from those who were there to support me and continue to do so, and from the passion for change continues to drive me. It served as a reminder of why I am where I am now- why the feelings of being out of control of my future for now are worth it- to achieve one of the goals I sought to in calling for change. Sure, I haven't travelled as much as I'd like, but I'm getting ever-closer to a career that supports me in working alongside people for change. Anddddd I have travelled- I drove to Portrush for the first time ever, and I've been to Amsterdam-twice!! I had an absolute ball- it is such a beautiful, beautiful city. If I could, I would move there in a heartbeat.

I haven't travelled the world but I've seen snapshots of it, and while I'm not exactly sure where my career is going right now- I'm making baby steps towards it, and I just have to wait it out. I'm not in control of everything right now and that's okay. I don't know what will happen with my relationship but for now things are good. Really good. I should focus on that and enjoy every moment of the good and just have faith that it will continue. There is still time for travelling, as there is also time for my career- this is the beginning of something new and time for discovery and expansion of knowledge of the world around me. It is about balance, and in recognising that both my career and my desire to see the world both contribute to an expansion of my knowledge of people, cultures and societies, I can see that I can compromise and although my realising my dreams isn't exactly looking how I expected it to, it's happening in the midst of my worries and doubts and if I could just focus on the good bits, maybe I'd have a better time.

So I might try? Maybe? No promises... I get pumped reading over older blog posts and I guess the determination is rubbing off a little teeny bit, so here goes... to not missing the good bits.